Eighteen

After all those months of whining, I am finally 18. The magical number that represents The Mysterious World of Adulthood. I am not sure what I expected, but I think I vaguely expected to just wake up on the 28th and feel mature and responsible and somewhat…adult-like. In reality, I woke  up on the 28th in my Superman tee lying beside my teddy bear on a Disney bedspread. I had cake for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, I indulged in my chocolate cravings, I actually got scared of a little dog that growled at me, I frightened myself watching horror movies, and I jumped around excitedly seeing and touching real human brain specimens. Nothing I did, could be described as “adult-like”. I was barely a day older and it was supposed to represent a year of growth.
One of my best friends had given me the idea of making a list of the silliest activities that represented childhood and completing every single one of them before I turned eighteen. I wasn’t able to complete all of them and I felt like I was beginning a new chapter of my life without reading the last few pages of the previous chapter. Now that I am officially an adult, emancipated and on my own, does it mean that I can’t be immature, stupid and silly? On my birthday, my friends helped me remember that chapters might get over but there is still a long way to go in my book. 
Maybe growing “old” was not exactly what I had expected. I don’t have a license or a voter’s ID. I haven't donated blood or gotten a tattoo yet. I haven't lost all my teeth or grown gray hair (wait, I do have that!). On that special Friday, my friends helped me remember that even if all of the above do happen and I’m sitting all alone in my rocking chair 80 years from now with my five big dogs and eating tofu, I’d yell “Oh my God! I feel like I’m eating my brain!” I remembered the child in me, or rather, the child that is me, and I’ll never forget that even if I could be referred to as a Major now. I know that there is just a part (if not the whole!) of me that will forever remain a child. And I accept that — Disney-loving, cartoon-watching, Happy Meal-buying, Supernatural-fearing — part of myself, because, let’s face it, what’s the fun, playing your age? :)

More than my usual blog post, this is a special dedication to all my most awesome friends for making my day so memorable (because just a status is too mainstream :P ). Thank you all so much! :)

Dispersed

I attempted at something like poetry and I ended up with this :D
(Small Clarification - It's from a guy's perspective.)

Dispersed

I don't understand. I don't understand what she says. I love her. I love her almost unconditionally. I love her for what she shows me and I love her for what she is. But is she really the person I think she is? Am I only seeing one side of her? 

Is there a dark side of the moon? 

Should I keep my distance?

And be blinded by the sun 

Who chooses to ignore me, 

Or should I be a tide?

And accept my attraction 

To the beautiful moon 

Who chooses to embrace me 

In her seemingly warm hug.

When I get too close to her,

Will I realize that she is not warm,

But cold.

Cold on the outside

And frozen on the inside - 

Too damaged to salvage anything at all?

My sun is all I have.

My sure source of warmth.

But why would you burn me?

Never let me get close to you?

Winner of The Best Blog

I'm extremely proud of the fact that this blog won The Best Blog Competition at Mélange 2014 - Udbhaavana, A Media Fest conducted by CMS, Jain University!
This maybe cliché, but I really would like to thank all of you who have actually taken some time to go through my blog which is nothing extraordinarily out of the blue. 

I hope you liked reading some of my absurd as well as platitudinous thoughts which I tried to put into words.

And I do hope my words have spoken loud (as if my voice weren't loud enough) :P

So all I'm saying is...Thank you :)

Illusion

Illusions are tricks that rays of light, your eyes and your mind play on you. You think it is real but it isn't. Sometimes, you don't see it, but it is right there and before you know it, bam! you've walked right into it. 
Is it there or is it not there? 
Does it exist or does it not exist? 
Do you wonder sometimes if life itself is an illusion? 
That you would wake up one day and realise that you had actually dreamed a whole day or two or maybe your whole life and none of it really happened? 
Have you ever wondered if what you see is real? 
What if we are actually aliens controlled by a simulation machine and what we see are only conjured up by what we want to see?
What if the friends you believe that exist are actually only a figment of your imagination but you don't realize that because you truly believe they are real?
What if what each person sees is actually unique to themselves and you don't see the same things they do? 
What if they view something that looks like a Nintendo world and you view what you think is normal?
What if there is no normal?
What if all the colours are inverted? 
What if you call Green what I call Red but you see Green in place of Red? 
What if we can actually see more than 7 colors but we are too stubborn to count the 8th because it is not a color we like?
What if Ghosts, Grumpkins, Snarks, Leprechauns, Goblins, Sprites and Fairies are all real but you don't notice them anymore because they are such a mundane, regular part of your life?
What if you are conjuring up places, people, situations, things at this very moment except you are unaware of it and continue to crib that you are incapable of controlling your life?
What if the schizophrenics are right and what they see is the truth, which we don't want to accept, and employ defence mechanisms, hence calling them Schizophrenic?
What if we are just mere puppets in some Grand Scheme which was written well before time?
What if it's all just a giant illusion and you don't exist at all?

The Good vs. The Bad

One of my very deeply rooted, and strong beliefs is that every human being is genuinely good. That whatever their intentions may be at any given point of time, and however evil they may look, they are truly good and that is what they most often strive to be. I believe when Carl Rogers asks me to give everyone unconditional positive regard. I believe when the Humanists tell me that every Human strives to be the best they can. The reason for the existence of such a belief is so that I always remember to give others a second chance. Just because one particular act of a person was wrong does not mean they are destined to be so, right? After all, there is a saying that goes that every child who is born into this world is born innocent and how he turns out depends on how he was brought up. John B. Watson definitely backed that up when he said, "Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select...regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors." 
Yet, despite all this, there are those times, when I start questioning myself. When I start questioning my beliefs. And then I don't know what my beliefs stand for any more. I watch movies, read stories and hear news. I come across tales of Killers, Psychopaths, Cannibals, Rapists and other abominations. I think, I wonder, I question, but I can't find the Good in them. I can't understand them, or their actions. I can't understand how they fit in or are a part of the complex structure of our Universe. I can't understand. And it terrifies me, because I don't believe in my most basic philosophy anymore.
I do understand how they operate. Their needs, their motives. Psychology helps me understand that some people are just created that way. That something in their childhood traumatised them. Or they lack the basic empathy gland in the brain. Or their sex drive is overpowering. Or that there is something about them that just doesn't match with the "normal" people. People are different because they are shaped by their differing exposure to various stimuli of Nature and Nurture.
What I do not understand is, how can there be a creation of Nature that is so completely devoid of Good? A creation wrought just to create chaos in, what I would like to believe, a perfect Universe. Taking the example of a serial rapist -- driven by his need to aggress, rape and assert his dominance. What does he give back to the society or the Universe after taking so much from it? How can there not be any Good in him at all? What can justify his grotesque existence? Is he merely a vessel created to bring about Karma to the ones that supposedly "deserve" it? Is he merely a tool in His Grand Scheme fashioned to "teach" lessons? 
There is a lack of balance. The scale is supposed to be tilted one way. But it remains straight, and I'm unable to see the invisible weight that balances the Bad out on the other side. And my questions continue to remain unanswered.
I heard a story. An old Cherokee story. The closest I've gotten to having my questions answered. The belief is that each of us have two wolves within us -- the Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf. Every action that we indulge in feeds either the Good Wolf or the Bad Wolf, and each grows stronger through our actions. One day, one Wolf will grow stronger and consume the weaker wolf. The choice between which Wolf we would like to feed depends entirely on each of our personal decisions.

To My Thatha

The first time I truly felt the loss of someone, was when my Granddad passed away in December 2012.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it. Denial, being my most overused defense mechanism, I refused to accept it or cry for the first few months. It felt like if I cried or acknowledged it, it would become real. Eventually, I came out of this childish fantasy. I still walk into his house and expect him to be sleeping inside. I still do or watch something and think, “Oh God! Thatha should totally hear about this!” I still refuse to talk in past tense. But then, there is that feel. Something that tells me that somewhere, something has changed.

The most cherished memory I have of him was from a time when I was around 3 or 4 years old. I used to watch him train our dog Tuffy. Being a young child, I was afraid of the overactive, jumpy, hyper dog. Thatha would then ask me not to be so silly and give me a fistful of dog biscuits, which I would feed Tuffy every time she fetched the ball he threw. He would make me sit on the wall and I would watch him command the very obedient Tuffy, in complete fascination.

I do not know why I have held on to this particular memory so tightly, but I do know that this defines the way I looked up to him. Fully captivated, I would hang on to every word he said. And he had a lot to say! There was absolutely nothing my Granddad did not know about. Science, Medicine, Astrology, Art, History, Philosophy...his thirst for knowledge was unquenchable. He was the man who would go through a surgery and tell you exactly what the doctors did to him despite the fact that he was given anaesthesia. He had accumulated this knowledge through the years and held on to it as he accumulated more. All this information, he learnt during the time Google didn't exist (in case, you don't know the pain of that, try doing your next project without using the internet). He read books. Many, many books. Giant Encyclopedias. And he owned so many of those, that he could start his own library (which he did, for a short period of time).

He had a particular love for watches and pens. He had his own magnificent collection, which he was very proud of. I remember, the first time I told him that I was going to start writing with a pen in school (instead of a pencil), he gifted me my very first pen, a Hero pen. The next day when I came home, he had dug up his entire collection of pens, and spread them out before me. He explained the use of every pen, the different calligraphy nibs and styles, how to clean and take care of a pen and everything I'd every need to know about a pen. His knowledge was unlimited.

He was a man of routine. There were things he had to do everyday at a specific time and he doesn't usually appreciate broken routine. One of the things he used to do was smear Vibhuthi (ash) and Sandhanam (sandal) on his forehead every morning. Some how, ever since I was a small child, I loved watching him do that. And then, he would read the newspaper everyday and later, do The Hindu crossword in the evening. He was so good at it, that he wouldn't take more than half an hour to finish the crossword. At any event or occasion, he did not like to be late. He was a man of time and had to be at the venue five minutes before time. He had a short temper, so if we weren't ready by the time he wanted us to leave, he would leave without us!

When he moved on, I couldn’t help thinking about all the experiences I would miss sharing with him. He would never see me go to college. He would never see me grow up and become whatever I am going to become. He would never spout a gazillion more random facts. My sister would never truly know how awesome he was… I could continue this list forever, but the most important thing is, I did experience many wonderful, amazing, cherished moments with him that will last with me forever. I will never forget cooking Pasta for him with all the cheese that he ever wanted. I will never forget our late night games of Rummy. I will never forget the Thatha-granddaughter day of watching Da Vinci Code together. I will never forget the bazillion movies at Race Club or the bazillion books from Cosmo. I will never forget his naughty smile while he stole slices of mango from my plate. I will never forget the time he wore suspenders, shorts and a beret and cheerfully shouted, “Let’s go walking!” I will never forget how one hour later he told me, “Achu, everyone looked at me and I felt like such a proud old man!” I will never forget any of this.

He’s gone. I may forget that sometimes, but I’ve finally come to terms with it. I have learnt not to cry or get emotional at every mention of him or anything about him or anything that even vaguely reminds me of him (trust me, I have done that just way too often). Even though it is hard, I realized I must stop being so selfish. I feel like I should let him move on and not cry over how he is not going to be there for me. I think he will want me to cheerfully remember who he was and not cry over who he won’t be. I am not going to idolize him now and remember only the positives. I will remember his short temper. I will remember how he had the habit of swearing. I will remember him for what he was. Because, the truth is, no matter what, there is just no denying how awesome he is. I will remember him for exactly what he was and build a monument in my heart.

To my Thatha...
The best Granddad in the world...
Because you were my inspiration, my role model, my walking-talking encyclopedia, my true man of steel...
Because you taught me more than just discipline, morals and right from wrong...
Because the 16 years I had to know you were the best...
Because I love you....
Because you will be in my thoughts and memories forever...
Because you will live on forever in our hearts... 

Our Thoughts, Our World

Thoughts can be defined as an idea, plan, opinion, picture or anything that is formed in your mind. The concept of thoughts having the power to create, alter and affect your reality is not new. People have been claiming to do so for years. Going by the name of Mentalists, these people practice what is known as “Telekinesis” or “Psychokinesis”. Mentalists claim to have the ability to change, move or dematerialize an external object using the sheer power of their mind.

The authenticity of Mentalists is a topic too vast and unresolved to be debated.

Yet, one topic that has persisted and aroused the curiosity of many is the effect of Human thoughts on the physical world. Many orators and inspirational speakers have insisted time and again in different words, using different adjectives, that our thoughts have the power to change the World, and by controlling our thoughts, we can control the World. People may have different views about the accuracy of this versus the easy moneymaking scheme that the motivators may have in mind, but I personally have only one question. If so many people believe that their thoughts can change their World, there must be some truth to it: What is the science behind such logic? How do the thoughts work?

Dr. Masaru Emoto is a famous Japanese energy scholar and author, who conducted an experiment, which examined the effect of the exposure of glasses of water to positive thoughts and prayer. He found that the crystals that were formed after freezing these exposed glasses of water were much more beautifully formed than any normal glass of water. He claims that human thoughts and feelings have a direct observable effect on the structural formation of ice crystals. The human body is 2/3^rds water. If human thoughts have such an effect on water, how adversely would it affect our body? Scientific scholars, however, have dismissed Dr. Masaru Emoto’s experiments as pseudoscience, but it does give us a lot to think about. Even if negative thoughts do not create bad crystals, positive thoughts certainly create beautiful ones.

According to Quantum Physics, our physical reality is proven to be a very elaborate mirage, which is the result of a particular frequency. Therefore, by changing, amplifying or altering this frequency, you can change your physical and current reality. Since thoughts also produce this frequency, by changing how and what you think, you can change the frequency and consequently, your reality. Every time you entertain a particular thought, you emit a very specific and corresponding frequency. Keeping in line with this perspective, your thoughts directly shape your reality and your reality is exactly what your thoughts make it.

Benjamin Disrael once said, “You will never go higher than your thinking.” This is one of the truest statements ever made about our thoughts. Before any action is performed, it has to originate in our thoughts. Even if it is an on-the-spot action, the thought should have occurred before. So the higher you think, the more the space for you to accomplish things. By setting the bar very low, you will never be able to achieve anything above the bar, because there has to be a thought before any action. Humans, also, have the tendency to dwell and overthink negative thoughts, thus, spawning inaction. Moreover, our thoughts are converted into action – intentionally or unintentionally. Freudian Slips, for example, are the unintentional errors in speech that are generally attributed to the presence and motivation of some unconscious thought. Willingly or unwillingly, our thoughts are constantly converted into action, and action creates our reality. By reigning in and controlling our thoughts, we can effectively control our action and therefore, our reality.

Buddha said, “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” The extent to which your thoughts affect your reality is unknown but it cannot be denied that your thoughts have a direct effect on yourself. The more positive your thoughts, the more positive is the effect on yourself. The more negative the thoughts, the more negatively you are affected. So let’s be positive! After all, what do we have to lose?

Quotes That Have Never Failed To Inspire Me

"Never regret anything in your life because it is neither worth it, nor repairable, but you must always remember to learn something from it."

"Life is short, drink it to the dregs!"

"Life is unfair, deal with it."

"Before you judge someone, remember to wear their shoes and walk a mile in it, but when you do so, remember that it is neither in your shoe size nor is it yours, so it is alright if you find faults, holes or just things you can't understand but learnt to accept those as well."

"The darkest hour of the night comes just before sunrise."

— Anonymous

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

— Marilyn Monroe

"When you really desire something, all the universe conspires to help you realize your dream."

— (Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist)

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."

— (Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist)

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends."

— Gandalf (J.R.R.Tolkien, Fellowship of the Ring)

"Why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your Game of Thrones?"

— Lord Varys (George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones)

Point of Life

(Old Posts)
26/03/2011
Have you ever wondered what the point of life was? Every one of us are on a different quest in life. Some of us search for happiness, some peace, some God and some don't even know what they are searching for! But in the end, all of us expect different things from life. Some of us get what we want while the others don't, but the most important thing is to be satisfied with what we have. I for one feel that happiness is one of the most important things in life, and you know what, I am learning to take happiness out of everything that life has to give me! (Yeah, that includes all the shit too)
Happiness is a feeling that is born in you. It cannot be created or even influenced by others around you. You decide to be happy or not. Have you ever come across the time when you were unhappy and you decided to blame it on those around you? Well, yeah, it happens very often to me. And then I realised (of course, this one came later one during one of my happy moods) it was not their fault that I was unhappy. It was never their fault. It was always my choice -- I decided to be unhappy. Similarly, you could be happy if you wanted to.
There are always those times when you cannot help but feel down but I think that is alright, once in a while of course, since you are not really a "Happiness Machine" (and please, I'm a girl, and PMS-ing is my birthright). I think we must really find happiness in everything possible. A happy person is one who people actually really love.
It is fine if people make fun of you or think you are very silly, but if you are one of those people who get excited because you saw a monkey doing a somersault, I think you are great. It is okay if they want to make fun of you, they are not you. For all you know, it may even be jealousy. Enjoy and if possible, make them enjoy with you. Little things bring about bigger happinesses
As put very well by John Masefield in his poem "Laugh and Be Merry", Life was created out of happiness and for happiness. In a burst of joy, God created the world and filled it with joy for us to relish. We must take in every bit of it possible and enjoy it. Life's not very long, though that is the longest that you'll do, work towards what you truly search for. Follow your passion. Dream on. Ask your soul time and again, "Is that what I truly want?" and most of all, Relish and be happy no matter what happens. And smile, because you can... :)

A Normal Life

(Old Posts)
12/08/2010
A Normal Life. Does it exist? At one point or another, we think, "God, she leads such a normal life, why am I the one stuck in this one?" But do we realize that no matter what, life cannot be normal? Just because one portrays themselves in a particular way, doesn't mean that they are actually it. That is, a very friendly, happy, social and normal teenager may be a cutter or anorexic, for all you know. What one shows on the outside might not always be what one is on the inside too.

Let's take the example of a teenager.

Usually, a teenager would think that they are completely unlucky just because they don't have a good enough phone, iPod or the latest gadget that their more rich and popular rival has.

But according to the cripples out there, we are the ones who lead a normal life. We eat, play, drink, pray, paint, sing, read and hear all by ourselves. We don't depend on others and have fun on our own. 

Then, from an orphan's point of view, a cripple leads a normal life. They are loved and cared for. They receive love and most importantly, have a family.

To someone who is homeless, Orphans seem luckier. After all, they have a roof overhead. They are at least guaranteed food and good health.

At each stage, our life seems to either look normal, or completely unfair. But does a "normal life" really exist? Or is it all just an illusion that we fool ourselves with? It is the dream life that we imagine in our minds and try to achieve, but no matter what, we don't. And why? Because, after each stage, our demands and desires keep increasing. What we don't realize is, we have the potential in us to make the life that we live the one that we desire. So let's all stop. Let us be satisfied with what we have and better think of ways as to why our life is the perfect and normal one!

My Grandfather

(Old Post)
12/08/2010
Today, after school, I was at my grandparents' place. I anxiously went in, because I wanted to see my Thatha (Grandfather), but it turned out that he was asleep. So, I decided not to wake him up. I waited for about half an hour doing nothing in particular. He woke up just as I began eating the amazing idiyappam that my Paatti (Grandmother) had made for me. I ran up to him and gave him a huge hug and a kiss. That brought a smile to his dull face. It broke my heart to see him like that. My strong granddad, who can do anything and everything in the world, looking so ill. He looked so weak and vulnerable and I could do nothing about that. And even in that state, he sat and began doing his crossword. I helped him write and look up the net. His hand shook as he tried to write, but his willpower and determination did not leave him until he finished. Now that is my grandad for you. He is the epitome of willpower and strength. Although he is not flawless, you can learn so much from him that he could just about be the perfect man in the world. Today, he taught me that as life rolls on, one can become from nothing to something big and from something to nothing at all, but something or nothing, if your willpower remains in you, you can never be nothing.

Thanks a lot Thatha! This post is truly dedicated to you...